I say forgive the heck out of her, and give her another chance. Be very guarded though. Her indulging in a little too much alcohol sucks and it directly resulted in her kissing another guy. From the way you put it, it sounds like you've gotten to know each other over quite awhile...so I wouldn't throw everything away just because of one sin. Everyone experiments in new sins regardless of what they are, and it just so happens the effects of your girlfriend's sin in this instance were profound.
I think it would be something to work through, pray about and seek Godly counsel from someone who is physically available to help. We'll be praying for you and that God has his will in this situation.
Need Advice
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EagerBeaver
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TW wrote:First let me welcome you to our little family.
Now to address your situation. As has been said before, you must forgive. Then, and only then, make a determination on the future of your relationship. This is a double edged sword. It could on the one hand separate the two of you. Or it could be the foundation for a more committed relationship. That is the choice that you and she must make. I am including your girlfriend in the decision making because she also has a vested interest in this. Both of you need to pray and seek God's will for your lives, whether you stay together or not. I do not know the depth of your emotional investment in this relationship but I will assume that it is significant. If her emotional investment is similar to yours then you may want to consider trying to salvage the relationship. If you do it will not be easy, she will have to earn your trust again, and you will have to learn to trust again.
RuSKY is IMHO mistaken when he states that people who get drunk do so on purpose. Yes, that is the case sometimes. However, most non-drinkers who get drunk do so because they have no idea of how alcohol will effect them. They have no idea of how quickly they will become impaired. They have not built up a level of tolerance so even very small amounts of alcohol will have a marked effect.
TW you sound so wise. I feel the way you said this but didn't know how. There's a lot of folks that grow old alone because they could not forgive. Jesus went through a lot more than what you are going through, but he forgave us and loved.
TW
doris
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DGBrock
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If you stay in this relationship, trust can be restored to some extend in the future (to answer one of your questions). It usually takes 12 to 24 months with counseling, but I work with couples all the time who recover from worse than this. You will never forget, but you can forgive and she can earn your trust once again if she is willing to earn it.
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RuSKY
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TW wrote:RuSKY is IMHO mistaken when he states that people who get drunk do so on purpose. Yes, that is the case sometimes. However, most non-drinkers who get drunk do so because they have no idea of how alcohol will effect them. They have no idea of how quickly they will become impaired. They have not built up a level of tolerance so even very small amounts of alcohol will have a marked effect.
TW
TW,
Perhaps, I was mistaken in the way that I stated my reply.
Maybe I should have said, people who drink intoxicants, do so on purpose.
I still stand by what I said. "It was no mistake."
BTW Before I became a christian, on occasions, I drank intoxicants, and each time it was on purpose.
RuSKY[/b]
Not married or engaged, then whats the beef if the girl had "a little kissing session" ? I'm not sure what a LITTLE KISSING SECESSION is anyway. Is that like a 5 to 10 Minute thing or what? Ill guess she is not telling you the whole story. The only reason she told you was she was afraid her friends would tell you first.
As to trust, it is earned. If there is to be trust again then let her earn or show that she is trustworthy. Having said that, seeing how their is no commitment between you two where does trust come in any way? You date she dates. After all kissing is a part of dating in our society.
Now about the drinking thing that is something that I must agree with some others in here. That it is no accident. If you drink you will do what drinking people do. What was here motivation for drinking? Was she depressed, needing acceptance or what?
Yes, we must all forgive but the scar remains. Should you keep her or drop her, I don't know but you and her will remember this event.
Cpt Jack
As to trust, it is earned. If there is to be trust again then let her earn or show that she is trustworthy. Having said that, seeing how their is no commitment between you two where does trust come in any way? You date she dates. After all kissing is a part of dating in our society.
Now about the drinking thing that is something that I must agree with some others in here. That it is no accident. If you drink you will do what drinking people do. What was here motivation for drinking? Was she depressed, needing acceptance or what?
Yes, we must all forgive but the scar remains. Should you keep her or drop her, I don't know but you and her will remember this event.
Cpt Jack
All OK JUMPMASTER
Need help
I was hoping to get a little more information before I reponded to you. I think many have responded well and some not well at all.
It is difficult, if not irresponsible, for us to offer too much advice on this issue without more information.
My wife and I started dating at 13. Well, dating is not actually the right word......I guess fell in love. During the next 5 years we "went steady, got engaged" and evetually got married at 18. She lived in Memphis and I in Nashville. Over those 5 years there were several occasions that each of us became friends with and dated other people, even though we were committed to some day get married. I am eternally thankful for all those experiences for the both of us. Yes she did kiss other people and I did too. We both had some "flings". The great thing is that we both always told each other and then had some laughs . It was never a "trust" issue with us. What we learned was how much we really did love each other and that no-one could take the place of this love.
You don't need to be concerned about the "trust " issue. If you are not engaged, going steady, planning a wedding, you may have just been taking her for granted. Get your head out of the sand and make a decision about where you want this relationship to go.
I think it was a godsend to you to make you think. Forget about the fact she "kissed" someone else.That's a sure sign of immaturity for someone who is not committed.
And no..........doilooklost.......you don't just dump them and walk away. This young lady deserves some credit for sticking with this guy for four years and not getting more of a committment out of him. Did you ever stop to think , it could be her way of forcing the issue?
It is difficult, if not irresponsible, for us to offer too much advice on this issue without more information.
My wife and I started dating at 13. Well, dating is not actually the right word......I guess fell in love. During the next 5 years we "went steady, got engaged" and evetually got married at 18. She lived in Memphis and I in Nashville. Over those 5 years there were several occasions that each of us became friends with and dated other people, even though we were committed to some day get married. I am eternally thankful for all those experiences for the both of us. Yes she did kiss other people and I did too. We both had some "flings". The great thing is that we both always told each other and then had some laughs . It was never a "trust" issue with us. What we learned was how much we really did love each other and that no-one could take the place of this love.
You don't need to be concerned about the "trust " issue. If you are not engaged, going steady, planning a wedding, you may have just been taking her for granted. Get your head out of the sand and make a decision about where you want this relationship to go.
I think it was a godsend to you to make you think. Forget about the fact she "kissed" someone else.That's a sure sign of immaturity for someone who is not committed.
And no..........doilooklost.......you don't just dump them and walk away. This young lady deserves some credit for sticking with this guy for four years and not getting more of a committment out of him. Did you ever stop to think , it could be her way of forcing the issue?
Dr. Ron
Need help
I was hoping to get a little more information before I reponded to you. I think many have responded well and some not well at all.
It is difficult, if not irresponsible, for us to offer too much advice on this issue without more information.
My wife and I started dating at 13. Well, dating is not actually the right word......I guess fell in love. During the next 5 years we "went steady, got engaged" and evetually got married at 18. She lived in Memphis and I in Nashville. Over those 5 years there were several occasions that each of us became friends with and dated other people, even though we were committed to some day get married. I am eternally thankful for all those experiences for the both of us. Yes she did kiss other people and I did too. We both had some "flings". The great thing is that we both always told each other and then had some laughs . It was never a "trust" issue with us. What we learned was how much we really did love each other and that no-one could take the place of this love.
You don't need to be concerned about the "trust " issue. If you are not engaged, going steady, planning a wedding, you may have just been taking her for granted. Get your head out of the sand and make a decision about where you want this relationship to go.
I think it was a godsend to you to make you think. Forget about the fact she "kissed" someone else.That's a sure sign of immaturity for someone who is not committed.
And no..........doilooklost.......you don't just dump them and walk away. This young lady deserves some credit for sticking with this guy for four years and not getting more of a committment out of him. Did you ever stop to think , it could be her way of forcing the issue?
It is difficult, if not irresponsible, for us to offer too much advice on this issue without more information.
My wife and I started dating at 13. Well, dating is not actually the right word......I guess fell in love. During the next 5 years we "went steady, got engaged" and evetually got married at 18. She lived in Memphis and I in Nashville. Over those 5 years there were several occasions that each of us became friends with and dated other people, even though we were committed to some day get married. I am eternally thankful for all those experiences for the both of us. Yes she did kiss other people and I did too. We both had some "flings". The great thing is that we both always told each other and then had some laughs . It was never a "trust" issue with us. What we learned was how much we really did love each other and that no-one could take the place of this love.
You don't need to be concerned about the "trust " issue. If you are not engaged, going steady, planning a wedding, you may have just been taking her for granted. Get your head out of the sand and make a decision about where you want this relationship to go.
I think it was a godsend to you to make you think. Forget about the fact she "kissed" someone else.That's a sure sign of immaturity for someone who is not committed.
And no..........doilooklost.......you don't just dump them and walk away. This young lady deserves some credit for sticking with this guy for four years and not getting more of a committment out of him. Did you ever stop to think , it could be her way of forcing the issue?
Dr. Ron
Okay, first of all, the peer pressure to drink may have been very strong, and it is easy to have just one or two too many once you start. Drinking tends to impair judgment and she may not have even realized she had too much until she acted "out of character." Then, I'm sure she was ashamed. If I were you, I'd forgive, pray over it together (if you can pray together--and, if you can't, you probably don't want the relationship anyway). This can make you have a stronger relationship if she is honestly sorry and you are honestly forgiving.
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soulsearcher
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Re: Need help
[quote="Dr. Ron"]And no.......you don't just dump them and walk away. quote]
Thanks for that statement, Ron. The terminology has always bothered me... "dumping" people, like garbage or some other gross undesirable thing. Yes, we can act like trash, but we're still human beings - created by God.
Thanks for that statement, Ron. The terminology has always bothered me... "dumping" people, like garbage or some other gross undesirable thing. Yes, we can act like trash, but we're still human beings - created by God.
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Jennifer Smith
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Yes, that dumping thing was bugging me too!
Noone should invest 3 years into a relationship and then just carelessly walk away, without prayer and heartsearching, and without consideration for the other person's feelings. The ramifications of that can be lasting and you may end up regretting it later.
As Dr. Ron said, your girlfriend did not owe you even an explanation if there is no committment between the two of you!
Noone should invest 3 years into a relationship and then just carelessly walk away, without prayer and heartsearching, and without consideration for the other person's feelings. The ramifications of that can be lasting and you may end up regretting it later.
As Dr. Ron said, your girlfriend did not owe you even an explanation if there is no committment between the two of you!
..I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ took hold of me.
-Phil 3:12
for which Christ took hold of me.
-Phil 3:12
Need help
Wow! Thanks for all the votes of confidence. Especially from the women.
Guys need to understand that women are people too. They have their moments and make foolish decisions just like the guys do.
Seriously, we need to do some self-education on how to have a real relationship. The issue of trust is a very tricky one, but I maintain that trust is a gift I give my wife. I trust her to do the very best she can. Do I expect perfection? No! And neither should anyone else. It isn't possible. She does not have to earn my trust. I trust her for her years of consistancy. If she blows it, then I can still say after all these years of loyalty, I owe it to her to extend that gift again.
Seldom do people do well who are under the cloud of having to "earn " anything in a relationship. I am much more willing to do the right thing when I am given the opportunity to do it of my free will and am not under a cloud of suspicion all the time.
I worked with a couple who had been married for 48 years. The man had an affair at age 68. The wife was saying "how can I ever trust him again"? I asked her how she had done it or 48 years. She said " I knew he loved me and cared about my feelings and our family". I asked her if she thougt that had changed. She looked at him and said "no, I know he still loves me and our family". She forgave him, and I recently renewed their vows on their 50th wedding anniversary. Even her kids were telling her to divorce him. Interestingly enough, all their kids (6) have been divorced at least once.
Just give the lady a pass and then work on the relationship to bring about a real commitment. As you have already been advised, of course, pray about it...........but think about what those prayers should be. Some will advise the prayer, but not be specific about "what" prayer to pray. Make sure you don't pray what you have already decided is the way you want things to work out.
Guys need to understand that women are people too. They have their moments and make foolish decisions just like the guys do.
Seriously, we need to do some self-education on how to have a real relationship. The issue of trust is a very tricky one, but I maintain that trust is a gift I give my wife. I trust her to do the very best she can. Do I expect perfection? No! And neither should anyone else. It isn't possible. She does not have to earn my trust. I trust her for her years of consistancy. If she blows it, then I can still say after all these years of loyalty, I owe it to her to extend that gift again.
Seldom do people do well who are under the cloud of having to "earn " anything in a relationship. I am much more willing to do the right thing when I am given the opportunity to do it of my free will and am not under a cloud of suspicion all the time.
I worked with a couple who had been married for 48 years. The man had an affair at age 68. The wife was saying "how can I ever trust him again"? I asked her how she had done it or 48 years. She said " I knew he loved me and cared about my feelings and our family". I asked her if she thougt that had changed. She looked at him and said "no, I know he still loves me and our family". She forgave him, and I recently renewed their vows on their 50th wedding anniversary. Even her kids were telling her to divorce him. Interestingly enough, all their kids (6) have been divorced at least once.
Just give the lady a pass and then work on the relationship to bring about a real commitment. As you have already been advised, of course, pray about it...........but think about what those prayers should be. Some will advise the prayer, but not be specific about "what" prayer to pray. Make sure you don't pray what you have already decided is the way you want things to work out.
Dr. Ron
Dr.Ron said
And if the "shoe was on the other foot" how fast do you think it would take for the girl to "dump" the guy?...ok "dump" is a bad word...does "kick em to the curb" sound better?...you know my first wife...I divorced her and then three years later gave her a "second chance"...like Bro. Brock said it takes 12-24 months to get the trust back...well guess what?...almost 24 months after we reconnected and I had "built that trust back" I caught her in bed with another man...go figure...I told my second wife in the beginning she could do anything to me she wanted and I'd forgive her except one and that was unfaithfulness...been divorced from her for seven years now and why?...because she "stepped out on me"...when I "broke it off"(dumped, kicked her to the curb)with the girl I am with now back when we were in school, I wanted to go out with another girl(that you also know)but because of my "commitment" to the first one I never took the first step with the second one until I was "free" of the first one and that included going to parties without her(first one)...I never put myself in a "comprimising position" with the first one...if WE couldn't do something together we sure didn't do it alone because we knew there would be trust issues at our young age...through talks I've had with Joy since we have reconnected I have learned from her that in spite of the hurt I inflicted 33 years ago she knew then and she knows now that she can trust me to be true to her...I can forgive both of my exes for what they did but ain't no way and no amount of counseling ever gonna make me forget...of course I'm just a sinner so what do I know
They have their moments and make foolish decisions just like the guys do.
And if the "shoe was on the other foot" how fast do you think it would take for the girl to "dump" the guy?...ok "dump" is a bad word...does "kick em to the curb" sound better?...you know my first wife...I divorced her and then three years later gave her a "second chance"...like Bro. Brock said it takes 12-24 months to get the trust back...well guess what?...almost 24 months after we reconnected and I had "built that trust back" I caught her in bed with another man...go figure...I told my second wife in the beginning she could do anything to me she wanted and I'd forgive her except one and that was unfaithfulness...been divorced from her for seven years now and why?...because she "stepped out on me"...when I "broke it off"(dumped, kicked her to the curb)with the girl I am with now back when we were in school, I wanted to go out with another girl(that you also know)but because of my "commitment" to the first one I never took the first step with the second one until I was "free" of the first one and that included going to parties without her(first one)...I never put myself in a "comprimising position" with the first one...if WE couldn't do something together we sure didn't do it alone because we knew there would be trust issues at our young age...through talks I've had with Joy since we have reconnected I have learned from her that in spite of the hurt I inflicted 33 years ago she knew then and she knows now that she can trust me to be true to her...I can forgive both of my exes for what they did but ain't no way and no amount of counseling ever gonna make me forget...of course I'm just a sinner so what do I know
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Author Unknown.
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mom of two
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One thing that has been bothering me about this is...was the ingestion of alcohol a willfull choice? When I was in college, I went to several cookouts with friends. I'll never forget the first time someone put out a tray of jell-o in little paper cups. If it wasn't for my boyfriend at the time, I would have had a good dose of PGA jell-o.
My point is that it isn't always a choice when someone "drinks" alcohol.
Second, I would hope that after 4 years, a person would be willing to forgive and try to go on (with a great deal of prayer to see if this is the way God is leading you)...I hope it doesn't matter if the person making the mistake is male or female. We all make mistakes! We are all tempted by something!
My point is that it isn't always a choice when someone "drinks" alcohol.
Second, I would hope that after 4 years, a person would be willing to forgive and try to go on (with a great deal of prayer to see if this is the way God is leading you)...I hope it doesn't matter if the person making the mistake is male or female. We all make mistakes! We are all tempted by something!
The overall intelligence of the earth remains constant...unfortunately, the population increases daily!
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