Jude 2

Hello ladies!! Listen, I really need to know how you would react to your husband or boyfriend making a certain statement about another woman. My wife is following this thread so please feel free to lay it out for me EXACTLY how you see it.

Ok, here we go. As many of you know the internet, more specifically web sites like classmates.com or facebook or myspace, people are able to reconnect with former friends/girlfriend/lovers lol etc. Well I have connected with several friends from high school that I haven't seen or spoken to in probably 18 years. One of those people was an ex-girlfriend, not even a serious ex-girlfriend but a girlfriend non the less. I first spoke with her on classmates about a year or so ago, maybe less. At our first conversation we exchanged pleasantries and I told her I thought she looked "amazingly beautiful" after all these years, and that "I knew she would". Ok probably not a good idea I agree, but seriously it wasn't the grandious statement that it may appear to be. And in all fairness I havent used that "specific" term for anyone else that I can recall, but I have in fact gave other flatering comments to people before. Ya know, "oh you look great", "you look the same as back then", "you havent aged a bit". Even once said to my sister in law (she was in a bikini pic on facebook) I said "sexy momma".

My wife told me before that she didnt like the comment, to which I agreed and said I was flat out WRONG and that I mispoke and wouldnt do it again. That was back when I was on classmates. Moving to today.....about a month ago (she or I, cant remember who) friend requested each other on facebook, we are now friends. Well AnneMarie seen that she was there and doesnt like it one bit. All my comments are there in the open for everyone to see, my wife knows my password and can go on that account at anytime she wants , whether I am here or not. I have ZERO problem with her reading anything I write or what is written to me. And to date, she will tell you that NOTHING has even the hint of questionable behaviour. Still, she isnt comfortable with me talking with someone whom I called "amazingly beautiful".

Now to the question. Should she have a problem with my friendship with this person? Am I in the wrong? Is she overracting?
I would never take the position of "I will do what I want no matter how my wife feels". If she doesnt like it I wont do it. HOWEVER she challenged me to post it here, on Jude2 and get you ladies responce. And said that she would ajust her position based on the insight you give. So...its up to you ladies!!! Do me proud. LOL J/K you know me

PS: my wife approved of this post. I let her proof read it before I posted. LOL Oh and also, I have NO PROBLEM whatsoever removing said friend from FB.

And one more time, my wife has no problem with the occasional comment toward the pretty lady on the street/store/beach/tv. It is the "continuation" of the 'friendship" with the one of whom I spoke of.

If you were my husband...

It would make me very uncomfortable for my husband to tell another woman that they looked "amazingly beautiful". Those kinds of comments should be reserved for me! Ha! Plus it automatically sends up the radar, and those feelings of Godly jealousy over my husband and my marriage, whether or not I would have any reason to fear unfaithfulness of heart or body. And feelings of competition with this "amazingly beautiful" lady... YOU may have pure intentions, but does she? And will your comment ignite something you didn't intend?

AND responding to that Godly jealousy in your wife with comments like, "you're just overreacting" moves the radar light from yellow to red.

I think that you can definitely take it too far, but I think in this case, removing the person in question from your friend's list will prove to your wife that she is the more important person to you, and her feelings matter. The next time she may be less apt to send up the radar if you have proven that you are worthy of her trust in this matter and that you have a history of being sensitive to her feelings.

That's my take.

Honesty hurts sometimes Brian and for people to think once your married that you know longer see beauty in others is sad and that you can't encourage or compliment others in such a way is sad also. I feel your pain.

PS. Don't let your wife go see Matthew M. new movie, "The Ghosts of Girlfriend's past". Heaven knows she might think he looks amazingly great though she may never say it in your presence.

I think that you can definitely take it too far, but I think in this case, removing the person in question from your friend's list will prove to your wife that she is the more important person to you, and her feelings matter.

I disagree Rachel. Removing this person from his FB will not change his heart but will meet an unnecessary need his wife may or may not have. If Brian's motives are pure then it's not his problem but his wife's. Maybe she has some hang ups or self esteem issues.

Good post FQ. I taught you well

Brian, it is always the best part of prudence to try to " follow peace with all men" especailly our wives. Now, would I take the lady off my fb...yes...if that is what my wife needed for me to do. Having said that, I would also ask her that we have some serious conversation about this need.

You may have had a "freudian slip" when responding to this "old girlfriend"...but it has caused a "need" to come to the forefront in your wife's emotions.

If, in fact, this person means nothing more to you that a long lost friend on FB, then remove her. Don't let this become an issue.

I think I see some room for maturity in both your actions. Maybe when you have been married as long as I have, your wife will do like mine and say....wow, did you see that amazingly beautiful girl.....right there look...she is lovely..." Then son, you have figured it all out....

Full Quiver wrote:

I think that you can definitely take it too far, but I think in this case, removing the person in question from your friend's list will prove to your wife that she is the more important person to you, and her feelings matter.

I disagree Rachel. Removing this person from his FB will not change his heart but will meet an unnecessary need his wife may or may not have. If Brian's motives are pure then it's not his problem but his wife's. Maybe she has some hang ups or self esteem issues.

Whether or not she is right or wrong for feeling that way, she feels that way. How her husband responds can either heal or hurt. That is the bottom line. btw, are you a woman now, FQ?

Brian, I do believe that you are a good guy and you love your wife. You're not the bad guy and your wife knows that I'm sure. Sometimes us girls need for you to acknowledge our feelings and take them seriously, even when they may seem silly and unfounded. Responding with sensitivity will build your trust, and help bring that maturity to your relationship that Dr. Ron speaks of.

Is it sensitivity or jealousy though? Big difference. One is ok but the other is unbecoming.

The only time I compliment another women is if they say something like "Oh, I'm so ugly." or something like that.

I may tell the women "no, you look great." And that's the end of it. I'll also make sure it's public on Facebook or whatever, so in case someone does see it, there's no mistaking my intentions.

I won't compliment a women if there's any way it could be misconstrued. It's better to play the dumb caveman and let it fly right past you..

Full Quiver wrote:Is it sensitivity or jealousy though? Big difference. One is ok but the other is unbecoming.

Nothing wrong with God-given jealousy, that protects what is yours. God is jealous over us.

Now, throwing a hissy fit over every little thing (You went through that woman's checkout lane. Why didn't you pick the guy's checkout lane? Why did you shake her hand? Why did you talk to her?) is another story altogether. BUT not responding to her Godly jealousy in a sensitive way could lead to mistrust.

Brian wrote:Hello ladies!! Listen, I really need to know how you would react to your husband or boyfriend making a certain statement about another woman. My wife is following this thread so please feel free to lay it out for me EXACTLY how you see it.

Ok, here we go. As many of you know the internet, more specifically web sites like classmates.com or facebook or myspace, people are able to reconnect with former friends/girlfriend/lovers lol etc. Well I have connected with several friends from high school that I haven't seen or spoken to in probably 18 years. One of those people was an ex-girlfriend, not even a serious ex-girlfriend but a girlfriend non the less. I first spoke with her on classmates about a year or so ago, maybe less. At our first conversation we exchanged pleasantries and I told her I thought she looked "amazingly beautiful" after all these years, and that "I knew she would". Ok probably not a good idea I agree, but seriously it wasn't the grandious statement that it may appear to be. And in all fairness I havent used that "specific" term for anyone else that I can recall, but I have in fact gave other flatering comments to people before. Ya know, "oh you look great", "you look the same as back then", "you havent aged a bit". Even once said to my sister in law (she was in a bikini pic on facebook) I said "sexy momma".

My wife told me before that she didnt like the comment, to which I agreed and said I was flat out WRONG and that I mispoke and wouldnt do it again. That was back when I was on classmates. Moving to today.....about a month ago (she or I, cant remember who) friend requested each other on facebook, we are now friends. Well AnneMarie seen that she was there and doesnt like it one bit. All my comments are there in the open for everyone to see, my wife knows my password and can go on that account at anytime she wants , whether I am here or not. I have ZERO problem with her reading anything I write or what is written to me. And to date, she will tell you that NOTHING has even the hint of questionable behaviour. Still, she isnt comfortable with me talking with someone whom I called "amazingly beautiful".

Now to the question. Should she have a problem with my friendship with this person? Am I in the wrong? Is she overracting?
I would never take the position of "I will do what I want no matter how my wife feels". If she doesnt like it I wont do it. HOWEVER she challenged me to post it here, on Jude2 and get you ladies responce. And said that she would ajust her position based on the insight you give. So...its up to you ladies!!! Do me proud. LOL J/K you know me

PS: my wife approved of this post. I let her proof read it before I posted. LOL Oh and also, I have NO PROBLEM whatsoever removing said friend from FB.

And one more time, my wife has no problem with the occasional comment toward the pretty lady on the street/store/beach/tv. It is the "continuation" of the 'friendship" with the one of whom I spoke of.

yeah, yeah, yeah blah, blah, blah....men always rationalize their behaviours, and like their women to allow them to get away with stuff.

You asked for a woman's point of view. We don't have to rationalize it, nor explain it. Forget Dr. Ron and Full Quiver. They're men. What do they know....and who cares what they think anyway?

Whatever the motives....blaming this issue on your wife's "need" is stupid. Women have needs. Get over it. Which are basically to feel loved, secure, needed and wanted by her husband. If she rightfully feels insecure over this...then fix it. They are her feelings and you lovingly have to respect them...just like you request that she lovingly respects your feelings on other subjects that deal with your needs.

Block the girl on FaceBook....I'm sure she'll get over it.....in fact...turn off facebook...take your wife out on dates...spoil her...tell her how overwhelmingly beautiful you find HER. You'll be happy you did.

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name [is] Jealous, [is] a jealous God:

Yeah but that's his name Rachel. He wears that a bit better than we tend to.

Full Quiver wrote:For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name [is] Jealous, [is] a jealous God:

Yeah but that's his name Rachel. He wears that a bit better than we tend to.

Umm, He's God. He does everything better than we do. Guess I better not try to emulate Him anymore.

emulations are a work of the flesh girl; careful there

Would your wife have been as upset if you called anyone else, besides your ex, "amazingly beautiful"?

Do you continually give your wife these compliments as well?

I understand you racerunner.....but you are being very simplistic about what could become a larger issue.

Placating a problem exacerbates it. I did say to remove the person in question....but then to proceed with finding the cause of the jealousy.

Btw, Jealousy is NEVER a good emotion. It is the mark of total immaturity and insecurity. "Jealousy is as cruel as the grave" means that it is cruel to the person to whom it is directed. Jealousy causes all kinds of strife. In fact, God hates it.

I tell my wife I love her, that she is beautiful, I take her on dates EVERY Friday night with my cell phone off....she is the only thing important then.

But, I reserve the right to express my feelings about beauty. She agrees with me. I know and have known for years that our relationship is solid in that respect.

Again, don't do one without the other. Take the lady off, but then discuss the issue. You will have a better life for it later. It will cause you to mature together.

2 Corinthians 11:2 (King James Version)

2For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.