Just reading and praying tonight, God is showing me things about myself, and oh, man, I'm just full of relief and gratitude that He is. I could've gone on another day, another decade, like I was. Slowly, He shows me things about me that help me see where I have been.
Some stuff I'm learning just this night:
1. I'm an arrogant guy. I never really thought of myself that way and most folks who know me would not say it. But, I'm a stress-sensitive person. A trait I don't like.
When I'm stressed, it flows into my family's day. Not only is it not fair or right, but mainly it is just selfish. Above all, it is just selfish to think my little problems -- and as large as they are to me they're little to the God who made me and loves me -- are points of leverage to squeeze something out of my own wife and daughter. That stops tonight.
One way that constantly manifests is this: "Hurry up." My daughter is a slow-poke. An absolute pokey. But, if the phrase "hurry up" comes out of my mouth once it comes out half a dozen times before we're out of the door for school. I've gone and knelt over her little head and prayed for God to forgive me for that tonight, and I've got to have God-given words and attitudes about encouraging her in a more constructive way. All I'm doing with it is teaching her how to be stressed and not how to be more time-aware. I am SO thankful for that realization, and it isn't flesh and blood that showed me. Thank you, Jesus.
2. A few days ago, pondering the past and decisions I've made, the thought came to be like a bolt out of the blue, as close to an audible type voice in my head as I've ever known: "If you had gone to seminary, it would've ruined you. You're already hard-headed. You would have been no use to Me." Now, y'all, I knew exactly what that meant, and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I laughed out loud because it was so RIGHT. I was just working and doing my thing, and this thought just occurred to me, and it was right. My wife tells me I analyze things to death. Well, she's partly right: I analyze things that I want to analyze --- to death. And, as much as I have loved the study of the Word, I have been paralyzed already by analysis.
We (wife and I) have been praying and discussing the "doing" of the Word. We both are so hungry to actually work for the kingdom. We're doing that through church some, but we've both got way higher sights, farther distances in our hearts than what is currently being done or wanting to be done there. (NOT a criticism, just a statement of our longing.) We've got to quit inching up to it and just go nuts doing it. Wisely, but nuts -- if that makes sense.
Not that a formal degree is harmful. You know me well enough to know I would love to have a seminary degree -- but you maybe don't know me well enough to realize that if I'd gone through with that, I'd probably be so full of myself that it would take another 20 years of undoing me to get me to the point I'm at in this moment. Thank you, Jesus.
3. Tonight, the thought came to me in prayer that God is willing to do so much in our lives. I'm chuckling some as I type that. You all don't have any earthly idea what kind of mess we've created.
I mean, a mess. And, look, the things that have been messed up -- they don't look one bit less messy tonight than ever. More so perhaps even. But, for some reason, I'm just overcome with this urge to laugh at it. Truly laugh, LOLing, the whole bit. And, it is not funny. But, I have a Holy Ghost given assurance that God is not only able, but willing to see us through. I don't even know what that means, what it will look like, but I KNOW it is true. Know it like I know I'm sitting here in this chair in my living room.
Also, that God WANTS to do much in our lives. He actually wants to. To use us, this little goofball family of three, for His kingdom. And, I dare not overthink that or try hard to imagine how it could play out. I am very content to accept that here we are, laying ourselves out, and asking God to help us walk with Him by the moment. Who knows? Any one or two or all of us could die tomorrow, and that scares me, for sure. But, what scares me more is to spend another day that could be the last living it inconsequentially for the God who put us here and put us together.
Lord, I am sorry that I've been so hard-headed and hard-hearted for so long that I didn't get here earlier, but I'm so thankful to be here now that I am dead-set on not living in regret.
Please pray for us. I have this inner groan in my heart. We need God. We need God. We need to obey. Lord, have mercy, we need You!!! We want You.
![[amer-ribbon90.gif]](/images/amer-ribbon90.gif "Remember our veterans and troops currently serving today.")