Facing My Fears

[HogWild]

I posted this on my blog this morning but I wanted to share it here as well. I truly value this community. While I may not post everyday, I am watching the board obsessively and checking it more times a day that I care to admit!

Please be gentle with me. This is very hard to share. But I feel like part of my recovery and restoration is my willingness to share my story.
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"Supposedly confession is good for the soul; however, usually it’s someone with a clear conscience telling someone else to ‘fess up! It’s never the one with a crushing secret who anxiously looks forward to opening up and unburdening his soul before the world. But, nevertheless, here I go doing just that very thing.

I am sure that if you have read my blog for any length of time you have seen a variety of emotional states out of me through my writing and rambling. More times than not, I have a day or two that is good and I feel great, but then I have days or weeks that have been very dark. There have been many times that it was apparent that I was just about to give up; it most definitely showed in my writings and it was most definitely a haunting reality in my life. There really were some times during the past several months that I wanted to check out of here.

Due to my physical and mental health, I had stepped away from traveling from the Walkers for a bit and had given up, laid down, and begged God to let me die. I had experienced times of ‘darkness’ and depression before in my life, but this was monumental and completely overwhelming.

Last weekend, on Sunday September 21st, I finally reached my breaking point. I had become completely non-functional. I spent most days unable to get out of bed. I cried constantly. I thought of death continually. I relived my sins and failures moment by moment. My fears consumed me. I hit rock bottom. I knew that I had to get help or I was finally going to say goodbye. I went to the emergency room and checked myself into the hospital for depression.

While in the hospital for a few days I finally came face to face with the reason for my depression and the cause of the times and seasons of ‘darkness’ throughout my life: I am bi-polar; manic-depressive. I have been started on some new medication and I am actually feeling a bit better than I have in months. I actually can see a light at the end of the tunnel and for me that is very good.

I am sure that I will talk about this subject in greater detail in the coming days and weeks but I wanted to close this note by sharing with you what I wrote in my journal while in the hospital on the day of my diagnosis.

I am just kind of processing through being in the hospital for depression. I saw the doctor earlier today and he thinks that I am bi-polar. I have to admit that this is a bit overwhelming as I have always feared such a diagnosis.

It seems that I have had to come face to face with many of my fears. I’ve had to face diabetes. Then Insulin use. Then separation in my marriage and from my daughters. Then the loss of my ministry and finally the loss of my friends.

Wow! Just to write it all out is rather disgusting and depressing but I guess I should be thankful that I’m still here. I guess the cool thing is that I don’t really have any fears left to face.

Did I just turn a corner? Did I just have a breakthrough moment? I sure hope so – but only time will tell.”

I’ll answer both of my questions with one answer: “I think I did!”"

[n2jesus]

Coming from a long line of family with these types of disorders...Mental illness still has a stigma attached to it...All come on man up and don't be so weak is what you hear from time to time...Well, I will tell you if the person was able to do just that then they would...I believe that it's an illness just like any other illness....Do some people mimic it to avoid life, yes...Is some mental illness self inflicted due to lifestyle choices, yes...But my responsiblity is to have mercy and grace for hurting people...I don't see diabetes, but I know it's real, I don't see cancer, but I know it kills people...The Word of God has been such a tremendous source of strength, when those around me don't understand...Jesus came to help with our infimities, Jesus came for that purpose...If someone can't help with being there and understanding, then they have a greater problem than they know...He came to heal all manner of afflictions, illnesses, diseases, infirmities and sometimes it takes the course of a lifetime to be whole...Be kind, patient, longsuffering with yourself just like you would anyone else who is sick...It takes a strong person to reach out for help...I pray God continues to help you on this journey with him and through him to great victory...You will know better how to minister to others in like situations...I have great respect for anyone who admits they are frail and human...We really all are, whether we admit it or not...The Bible says "Without me ye can do nothing"...Life and it's many a winding road, will take most of us on journeys that at the time, seems like the pits of hell, but Jesus said he would never leave us nor forsake us...On that you can depend!!!!!

[Pianoman]

Hogwild,

Thanks for sharing your heart! I think there are a lot
of folks that have been or are in the same valley
you are passing through that can relate to what you've
been going through! (Probably a lot more than you think
if folks really "fessed" up).

Sounds like you've taken some mighty big steps!

Appreciate your openness during such an ordeal as this!

God Bless & will be praying for you!

[HogWild]

Thanks for the encouragement guys. I really value it and appreciate it.

[dolfan]

Been there, too. Antidepressants can be wonderful. They can certainly turn on the light for you. Glad you shared it, and glad-der that you took action and you're still here.

[Dr. Ron]

May I commend you on your decision to let those that are strong bear the infirmities of those who are weak. I am also glad that you have taken the positive steps toward recovery.

Recovery is not deliverance. Deliverance is an instantaneous miracle. Recovery is a long and difficult process......and decision to get well. I am glad you made that decision.

So, know that our prayers are with you......take your meds. learn to eat properly and exercise. For manic depressives, this is the best treatment....eating right (organic is best) suppliments (get help here) and exercise....nothing is better.

Let me know if I can help.

[HogWild]

Yeah - I'm taking a 'mood stablizer' and an anti-depressant. Cool stuff. It's kind of a neat thought to know that the swings into what I refer to as "darkness" (depressive episodes) won't be nearly as severe nor as frequent with medicinal help.

These two drugs and my diabetes medication - medicines I am glad to take for the rest of my life (and others will be glad too - I'm sure!

[HogWild]

Dr. Ron - I am definitely coming to grips with the reality that it is all a process. Lol. I have begged God for deliverance and I know that He is able. But I am also learning that He can help me through it.

One of the neatest things I have learned is that "it doesn't always have to be someone's fault." I am someone that has obsessively blamed himself and have been consumed with guilt.

It was a liberating thought to realize that sometimes it's my fault. At times it can be someone else's fault. But at other times it may be the 'disease' and still at other times, stuff just happens. I really like that I don't have to always blame myself.

It's cool be let off the hook (my me)...

[Jennifer Smith]

Hogwild, thanks for sharing... I hope you know you are in our prayers, and I do believe God will turn things around, there will be brighter days ahead.

[HogWild]

Thanks Jennifer. My heart was touched by what I was reading on this forum as you and Sam made your decision to step down from ministry.

When I saw that Sam became JustSam I grew a bit misty-eyed. My Email address has always been pastordavekurz@whereever.abc. Maybe I should change it to 'JustDave'.

It's hard to define yourself when you stop being a pastor. It's also really hard to let go. I think the loss of minstry has been one of my greatest heartaches (other than struggles with my family).

In the hospital last week, in various counseling sessions, group therapy, and 'assessments" I was repeatedly asked "What do you do?" I just sat there with my mouth open and my head bowed in shame. I really didn't have an answer. I still don't.

[sweetpea]

You just keep on seeking God,when it is time for you to know what to do,HE will be right there with you.I don't know you but I have a son and I can appreciated what you have been through.He has not been through all of your struggles,but I would hope people would reach out to him with love,if this should ever happen.

He is not a pastor or a minister,but he and all of us could make the same mistakes,I pray God will strengthen you more and more.

[Pastor Bill]

Thanks Jennifer. My heart was touched by what I was reading on this forum as you and Sam made your decision to step down from ministry.

When I saw that Sam became JustSam I grew a bit misty-eyed. My Email address has always been pastordavekurz@whereever.abc. Maybe I should change it to 'JustDave'.

It's hard to define yourself when you stop being a pastor. It's also really hard to let go. I think the loss of minstry has been one of my greatest heartaches (other than struggles with my family).

In the hospital last week, in various counseling sessions, group therapy, and 'assessments" I was repeatedly asked "What do you do?" I just sat there with my mouth open and my head bowed in shame. I really didn't have an answer. I still don't.

I think we are way to caught up in labels, I have a good friend who deals with this as well, she has many mental illness problems, as well as some neurological damage, in her heart she so much wants to serve God, and most churches have struggled so much with her "issues" that they haven't been willing to work with her. She came through many churches that focused on various ministries and everyone was involved in something, but she was just there, and no "position" or title was open to her. She was ordained by a small organization that I am not very familiar with and really looked at that as exactly what she needed to define who she was, but was almost immediately shot down in her local church and family. She has moved and is working in a more loving church that is helping her to work through things, and accept who she is, but it can be a real struggle. Just remember God sees you, not a label, not a position, not a job, but you, and that's who He loves, that's who Christ died for.

If you ever need to talk to someone who has been through it, let me know, she is a real blessing, and knows what you are going through. I can PM you her email, phone and other contact info if you'd like someone to talk to whose been there.