Emotional Abuse and the Bible.

[thatonegirl]

I have seen emotional abuse time and time again in both non-Christian and Christian households. Any man who uses the Bible to justify his emotional abuse of his wife is despicable. (Frequently the Christian abusers tend to cite Ephesians 5:22 and twist it to suit their own needs)

This is borrowed from "The Bible" 's fan page on facebook but it is heavy on my heart and I feel convicted to share this here...so I am. It was a very eye opening article (The article starts below the bolded text and shares what the Bible says about abuse!!)

"God hates abuse. The Bible is clear that abuse of any kind is unacceptable. One of the most common and serious forms of abuse is emotional abuse towards a partner. Check out this article below to see if you or a friend is being emotional abused."

If you answer yes to at least three of the questions below then it is possible you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you should talk to your pastor, doctor or best friends about it.


1. Is your partner irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?

2. Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?

3. Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?

4. Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?

5. Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?

6. Is your partner secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?

7. Does your partner almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?

8. Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?

9. Does your partner get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?

10. Do you feel like your partner holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your partner overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?

11. Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your partner criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your partner's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?

12. Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?

13. Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to? Or does he deny you sex?

14. Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?

15. Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?

16. Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?

17. Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?

18. Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?

19. Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?

20. Is he moody and emotionally inconsistent?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions then it is possible you are being emotionally abused. You probably find yourself often depressed and wondering why. You may just feel 'unhappy' but can't put your finger on the source of your unhappiness. Or you may find yourself thinking that you are clumsy, stupid, incompetent, wrong, or no-good. These are all subtle signs of being emotionally abused.

Emotional abuse is very serious and is not acceptable behaviour. God hates emotional abuse.

The reality is most abused people suffer in isolation. The important next step is to tell your pastor, doctor or best friends - get some help! You will need support in dealing with your partner, they are accomplished at controlling you, so you will need external support to heal the situation.

If you would like to know what the Bible says about abuse and what to do see: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_i ... 2759139442

note: 'he' is used throughout, but men experience abuse as well.


What does the Bible say about abuse and how to deal with it?

There are three major kinds of abuse within a relationship: Physical abuse when someone hits, slaps, beats, burns, kicks, or stabs you. But it also includes arm grabbing, shaking or being pushed. There is sexual abuse, which is any exploitation of your body against your will. And there is emotional abuse, which is wide spread and very misunderstood.

Emotional abuse is when someone threatens or humiliates you. This includes name-calling, putting you down, insulting you, or breaking your things. Control is a huge part of emotional abuse and involves chronic anger, jealousy, accusations, and distrust. The main symptoms that you maybe experiencing emotional abuse include feeling depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship, that you feel isolated and that you're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.

So what does the Bible say about such abuse?

The Bible is completely clear that any form of abuse is unacceptable. God hates the idea of anyone being abused.

The Bible lays out how we are to treat those we love and its all about sacrificial love: a love that yearns for the absolute very best for the person. A love where we put the others needs before our own. The Bible talks of us loving our partners with care and concern and the greatest of respect.

As Colossians 3:19 reads: ‘Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.’ The greek for ‘harsh’ is pikraino which means not being angry or bitter towards the partner, not causing continued pain, intense hostility and expressing hatred towards another. The passage is clear that a partner is not to be hostile or violent. Emotional, sexual and physical abuse is not acceptable behavior for a Christian husband or partner. So what is acceptable?

To truly love your spouse.

So what does the Bible mean when it talks about love? The greek for love in the Colossians passage is agapao, which is to value, esteem, manifest generous concern for, be faithful towards, and to delight in. In other words, to love another is to treat them like they are the most wonderful and amazing person in the world. As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 states:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

A healthy Godly relationship is one where both partners feel protected and safe, where anger is minimal and worked through, and where serving the other is the norm. If a partner’s behavior is envious, unable to admit fault, more interested in themselves and easily angered then that person’s behavior is outside of God’s will and is sinful.

So what does the Bible say if you are trapped in an abusive relationship? The Bible is clear that reconciliation and healing is the preferred path; that the abusing partner confesses their sin and changes their behavior; and the abused partner forgives the perpetrator. But what if the abuse continues and reconciliation and change doesn’t come? Then prayerful thought and consideration should be given to divorce.

The Bible shares that there are two instances where divorce is acceptable: adultery (Matthew 5:32) and with a non-believing spouse. The second is detailed in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 which states:

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

The greek word for ‘unbelieving’ is apistos which literally means being unfaithful, false, and treacherous. In the case of abuse the partner is indeed being unfaithful to the calling and expectations of marriage (that of offering sacrificial love as shared above), and is being treacherous in how they treat their partner. So an abusing partner is in effect ‘unbelieving’, which is grounds for divorce within the Bible.

But the passage suggests that separation only happens when the unbeliever leaves (verse 15). How then does this apply? Well when a partner abuses the other, they are in effect leaving the bounds of expectation of a Godly marriage. And for many people who are abused, they will often share how alone they feel, even though they live in the same house as their partner. The person who is abusing in effect leaves the marriage agreement while remaining within the relationship. So the Bible is clear: sustained abuse is grounds for divorce.

So the first step should be counseling and a genuine attempt at reconciliation and healing – this is God’s preference. But if the person who is abusing refuses to change then there are Biblical grounds for leaving the marriage.

God charges us in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 to care for our bodies: our emotions, our mind and our physical self. Our safety and the safety of our children is our responsibility. It notes:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

We honor God with how we treat our body, so if your body, your emotions, mind and physical self are being damaged, we honor God by finding a safe place to be.

As Gaetane Reimer posted on the ‘Abuse in a relationship is NOT ok.’ page:

God never chose for us to be abused by our spouse. He said we were to give up our lives for the gospel's sake, not for someone's sickness. Allowing yourself to be abused continually is just saying that you really don't love yourself enough to get away from it. If God loves us enough to let His precious Son die for us, then we are very valuable. I must love myself. When you stay you are also abusing yourself and all that God created you to be.

So what can you do right now if you are being abused? Approach your pastor, your doctor or a trusted friend. The key is not to go it alone but to find support people. One of the realities of someone being abused is that they often feel isolated and alone; the person abusing will do all they can to keep the abuse secret. So share it with people you trust. Please don’t keep it to yourself, in doing so you are aiding the abuse.

To get professional help :

If you live in the USA: Focus on the Family help line (A Christian service) (800) A-Family (232-6459)

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

In the UK: Woman’s Aid: 0808 2000 247

In Australia: Lifeline - Crisis Counselling Line : 13 11 14

Or if in another country, Google: Domestic Violence support services.

It is advisable to use a friends phone and computer as controlling partners will monitor phone and computer access.

And remember that in Christ you are never alone. As Matthew 5:3-10 records:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven".

Reference for the types of abuse: http://psychology.suite101.com/article. ... s_of_abuse

[Full Quiver]

Why do you use "he" instead of "he or she" or "him or her"?

Do you think that men are not emotionally and verbally abused by their wives?

Once I saw your use of the pronoun 'he" and therefore dissing of men in general I stopped reading your post. You lost all credibility at that point.

[Pastor Gary]

I read the linked article, and it was gender neutral. All of your examples assume the male in the relationship is the perpetrator and the female the victim.

While that is often true, it is certainly not universally true, and except for confidentiality needs I could cite more than a few examples I have dealt with. Women and men are equally capable of both physical AND emotional abuse, and it is equally wrong in either direction.

[Full Quiver]

I'll play along....

replacing he with she

well nevermind; it wouldn't be positive or fruitful

[thatonegirl]

I actually didn't write the article. I borrowed it from facebook.

I certainly believe that men are abused mr. fullquiver. I have several male friends who have been emotionally and/or verbally abused. It's sad.

Speaking from what i've seen though, when the abuser is MALE, He typically tries to use Ephesians 5:22 as an excuse to abuse their wife. The Bible DOES say to submit, but it also tells the husband how to treat the wife... but there are LOTS of other verses associated with abuse - did you read them?

After the first part of the info i posted, there is the line: "note: 'he' is used throughout, but men experience abuse as well."

Soooooooo I didn't assume only women are abused. U R jumping to conclusions my friend

[Full Quiver]

interesting that you are from Alabama. really, is that so?

Jeremy, PG... what do you guys think?

[thatonegirl]

I AM from Alabama. NOT that that is your business.

[Phil Hoover]

If you are from Alabama, then what's the big problem?

I'm a native Alabamian...and so is Pastor Gary...

And if you HAD a point, what would it have been?

[dolfan]

Phil, I think FQ is possibly --- and I may be the one on a limb here by saying this --- but I think FQ may be calling thatonegirl out as someone trying to hide their identity. For what purpose I won't hazard an opinion.

[Full Quiver]

Someone posted on my wife's facebook that they were posting on another website towards me. They said they were using an assumed name and location and said location being Alabama.

I ain't skeered though. I would welcome the dialogue but it isn't their business. The funny thing is or sad thing is that they are denying even that they are discussing me and the situation at hand when it's all over FB.

I just found it ironic that this new user showed up with an Alabama address and brought up this subject.

I think an IP address check wouldn't hurt.

Why don't you just intro yourself as is accustomed here at Jude 2.

The question is do you currently reside in Alabama and is your name Carol?

[MacUser]

I have seen emotional abuse time and time again in both non-Christian and Christian households.

You appear to speak from experience. Are you a related professional Counselor or previous victim ( related )?

[Full Quiver]

where did thatonegirl go?

[stevenson]

Well, it wasn't hard to figure out who "thatonegirl" is. I hope she continues posting though.

Wanted to add my 2 cents to the post, if I may. About 10 years ago, my wife & I got custody of my oldest kids. When I went to the Child Support agency to fill out the papers to get child support, I was very upset. It asked my name, the name & birthday of my minor children and....... the absent father's name! I went up to the desk and said there seems to be a proble. #1 there is no absent father, I'm their father. #2 their mother isn't absent either, she just isn't paying support. They told me to just cross that out and write in the mother's name. I did so, but I was very upset by this form!

[RamboPreacher]

Well, it wasn't hard to figure out who "thatonegirl" is. I hope she continues posting though....!

I don't see it. and personally, that kind of "discretionary" posting is not something that I perosnally like to see on Jude 2. For teh most part we are all kind of "family" and if someone wnats to keep their identity hidden, that's okay, cause we can still know them.

but if they are someone that already has an id that we know or knew, then that only confuses matters. I don't know if that is what hapened or not, but I do hope this person posts more one way or another.

[stevenson]

You don't see it? Hmm! Okay! But that wasn't the point of my post.

In defense of "thatonegirl", society is very prejudice against men in general. If you have ever dealt with child support, visatation laws, judges, etc.. you'll find out very quickly that the scales of justice are not fair when it comes to men.

Society has for several years tried to emasculate men. You hear things like "they need to get in touch with their feminine side" and such. When really men need to get back to being men and women need to be women.

The way "thatonegirl" posted is very typical of the way society thinks today. If you say the word domestic violence most people think of the man as the offender and the woman as the victim.